Monday, August 13, 2012

LAUGHING AND CRYING

I realize that my last post might have seemed a little bitchy jaded. Originally, I had no intention of posting about our journey to have children...but me being the computer savvy gal that I am, accidentally published a post that was never meant to be made public. I was doing 206 things at work and instead of clicking "saving as draft" I clicked post. I screamed and freaked out. Then I thought, why freak? This is me...the good, the bad, the ugly...and the really ugly.

I have been in some very dark places this year. I'm not going to lie, January was one of the toughest months of my life. The holidays were over, along with all of the distraction that comes with them. I will never forget sitting in the dressing room at work and just sobbing non-stop. The worst part about it is that I'm not a cute crier.  I sob, and hyperventilate and get mascara all over my face....it ain't a pretty picture. Not in a million years did I think we would be going through any of this...how naive of me, right? I would see a pregnant woman and be overwhelmingly jealous. Or I would see a "We're Pregnant!" post on facebook and not leave the sofa for the rest of the night. I realized I was spiraling out of control and needed to take control of my emotions. I decided to put on my big girl pants and stop feeling sorry for myself. Hey, I'm alive aren't I?!

I took action and called a bunch of doctors. Found one that we finally fell in love with...lucky #4. I started reading multiple books...countless blogs and forums, stopped watching 16 and pregnant, started eating pounds of kale and taking every supplement known to mankind.

When we met with our doctor I told him was going to take this on from a business standpoint. Try not to get emotionally involved. Keep a stiff upper lip. The look on his face was hilarious. He told me it wasn't very womanly of me and continued to write down the number of a recommended therapist... I tried this approach and turns out you can’t help but get emotional. So I have a rule I swear by. I allow myself one pity day. I cry, eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and watch Sex and the City all night. The next day I promise myself I’m going to laugh.

I am learning there is no right or wrong way to go about any of this. We take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. In the meantime I will enjoy my glass of wine...doctor approved.... and sleep-in with my puppy and hubs. I have to laugh because the only other option is to cry, and I'm sick of buying mascara in bulk.

6 comments:

  1. Wanna cry? Read my friend's "Octo Mom" series on her blog: http://other-peoples-kids.blogspot.com/2012/02/octo-mom-prologue-and-miscarriage-1.html

    She is pretty wordy, but she's amazing. Her "Octo Mom" posts had me crying like I've never cried before... well, until Quincy. But there you go.

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  2. Your words made me cry Maggie... I don't even know you, but somehow I stumbled across your blog and read this post and the previous one and I couldn't NOT comment.

    I haven't experienced your exact trials, but I have experienced life not going as planned... and it hurts so terribly.

    I just wanted to write and tell you that your words and your outlook and the way you worded this resonated with me tonight. So, thank you.

    Wishing you strength and love and hope and peace as you continue on this journey of yours. I know it might be weird from a total stranger but, I mean it.

    You are beautiful!

    p.s. I'm a REALLY ugly crier... like the worst... lol :)

    XOXO

    Jacy

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    1. Jacy

      Thank you so much for commenting on my post. It's weird when life doesn't pan out the way you had always imagined it would. But from the looks of your blog you seem determined to make the best of it. Not much more we can do, right?! Good luck with everything. xoxo

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  3. Hey Maggie, I just stumbled onto your blog and I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult trial! I can't imagine! I will praying hard for you girl!!!

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  4. Your honesty is so refreshing! I can't imagine how trying that would be. We had some trouble trying to conceive and then I started using some of the info and things from this site, http://natural-fertility-info.com/ and I believe it really helped. Not long after, we were able to conceive a healthy, beautiful baby boy. I don't know you, but it is something I feel like I couldn't not share. Best of luck to you and I hope maybe in some way this may help!

    Best Wishes,

    Jan

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  5. Maggie!!!!

    found you on Pinterest first, now I'm kinda stalking you. We are in the same boat, but have chosen to forgo/stop the treatments and peruse adoption. Which isn't any easier so don't let anyone fool you into that. I've been a total wreck all summer. Good thing Adam remembers me pre baby-making debacles. I love how honest you are! It's awesome.

    We all have shit days like that! Mine I spend eating fresh bread w/butter, watching gossip girl reruns and yelling at God for how unfair it is that crackheads and teenagers can get pregnant 10 times over.

    Glad you found a doctor that you LOVE! I will keep you and Ben in my prayers. I hope you are surrounded by good friend who join the pity party when needed!

    ♥ Celina

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