Thursday, August 9, 2012

CONFESSION: BABY STARVING

I haven't been blogging lately. I like to be open and honest when I'm blogging. But lately I feel like I haven't been able to post because if I posted anything it would be generic, and people read right through that.  I hate reading those blogs that are so "la la la everything is freaking roses....blah blah blah." Just shut up already.

Without any further ado here is what all the fuss is about.

This is a post that I have been contemplating for some time now. I think I have been avoiding it because if i put it on paper/screen it's real. Ben and I have been trying to get pregnant for some time now and its just not happening. I really despise that godforsaken word that starts with  "I" and rhymes.....hmmmm actually I can’t think of a word that  rhymes with  Infertility other than stupid. That word sounds so concrete. It sounds like a death sentence. It makes me feel hopeless and empty. So lets say reproductively challenged. Ben and I are reproductively challenged.

To be honest I have been looking for a blog I could follow that talks about this little topic and I can’t find one...or one that I like. The ones I have found are either from the views of  a doctor who has never been through this or the blog is dripping in godawful clichés like...."Everything happens for a reason."  I find it interesting that anytime anything goes askew that's most people's automatic response. My guess is it  makes people uncomfortable so they have to say something, and that's the first thing that flops out of their mouths. If it’s not that response its usually my absolute favorite of all time...."Why don't you just adopt?" They say it like...."Why don't you pick up that paper clip off the floor?" We are talking about humans for hell's sake people!


We are seeing the crème de la crème of doctors. I love him and he sincerely wants to help us make a baby. This isn't a death sentence. Its just a game changer. We have to work a little harder than most people do.

This is a very personal matter that I have chosen to make public. Not very many people choose this route...but for me it's kinda therapeutic. I feel like I'm getting it off my chest. I'm taking charge. I'm not ashamed like I was in the beginning. These are the cards we have been dealt, now its up to us to play them properly. I'm definitely not saying that I don't have bad days. The bad days are REALLY bad.  But I always say I'm thankful for those bad days because it's a reminder of how bad I want this. I'm not posting this for pity in anyway. I just want people to know that if you are going though this you are certainly not alone. And if you know someone struggling with the same situation, just hug them. That's all they really want. Don't tell them it will happen when they stop trying, or stop stressing, or enjoy getting 8 hours of sleep, or your kids are driving you crazy and they can have of them (actual situations that have taken place countless times.)  Just hug them.

 I know without a doubt in my mind we will be parents eventually...one way or another. For now I'm thankful that I have a very loving husband who is incredibly supportive and loving. He lets me cry and talk in circles, day in and day out. I'm also so thankful for my friends that  pick up their phones knowing that I'm going to rant and rave and sob uncontrollably. Thank you for putting up with me and loving me despite my less than desirable attitude. I love you all dearly. xoxo

12 comments:

  1. I am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. Unfortunately, I can say that I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I are in the same boat. It's a rough journey to say the very least. If you ever want to chat about it over a glass of wine, I am totally open. =)

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    1. Thank you so much for reaching out to me Danielle. I really hesitated to even post about all this, but I know there are a lot of women going through this heartbreaking journey and we need to stick together and support each other! I would love to get together and chat!

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  2. Ugh. I HATE that people (and friends and family!) struggle with this. It's so prevalent, and so silent. Do you know what I'm saying? Of course you know what I'm saying. I'm sorry Maggie. This really sucks. I hope that your doctor takes care of you guys and you end up with a fleet of redheads soon. You deserve to be parents. It's such a blessing and you and Ben deserve that. I'll pray for you. And probably hug you when I see you next.

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  3. I'm so sorry, and there isn't anything good I can say that can make it any easier. (in fact I wrote what I thought was a clever few sentences then realized that I'm the bitch that is like a freak of fertility and that it's ok if you hate me, because most of the time I feel really guilty that growing children is something I am able to do.) Good luck, and PS- I really really envy your wardrobe. Like really.

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    1. "Really" to the lady who posted before me.. You feel guilty that "growing children" is something that you can do?!? Why would you feel guilty? Being able to conceive naturally or conceive at all is such an amazing blessing, there is no need to feel guilt. Have some compassion for Maggie and those of us who are struggling to "grow children" You have no idea how hard OUR struggle is. Backhanded compliments just make you look more naive and heartless. She doesn't need your guilt. It's not about you and yes, you sound like a bitch!

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  4. Hey, I haven't seen you since we were in high school together, however I stumbled upon your blog through one of our mutual friends. I wanted to say that reading your post almost put me in tears. I know exactly how you feel and there is nothing anyone can say that will make the pain and hurt you feel go away. You talked about wanting to find a blog that you could read, I read ablogaboutlove.com which is about a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for years. She talks about the good, bad, and the ugly sides of this issue. It has helped me realize that I am not alone in this. Good luck and don't ever give up!

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  5. Hey lovely lady, its been too long. I feel like a duck for not keeping up on your blog! I'm so sorry that you and ben are going through this. its so stressful for you, I wish I help. I'm sure you're trying a million things, you're on the ball, I have had a couple close friends struggle with infertility and 3 couples started taking a daily multivitamin, both the husband and wife and ended up pregnant . Who knows it could be a total fluke but its the only pearls of wisdom I have on the subject.

    For the de-stressing part, Ryan and I are always up for a fun time!

    You and Benjamin are going to be the worlds best parents someday. That babies going to have ridicules style!

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  6. I am so sorry you guys are having to deal with this. I love that you just write how you feel.Because it's true and I think it does help to get things out there on paper (or screen I guess). And unfortunately we know how you feel. It took us a long time to get Quincy here and I know all about the comments people make. You see someone with 3 or 4 kids and they act like they can't stand them and you just want to hit them. They are so lucky to have them. And it's not going to happen if you "just relax". They think that's all there is to it. They don't get it. And month after month, treatment after treatment (whatever it is that you try) is so heartbreaking when there is no result. Oh it's so hard. I am so sorry. I know the feelings all too well. It will work. Someday. Somehow. And when it does you will be the happiest people in the world! Good luck with everything.

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  7. Ok your comments about adoption just made me laugh out loud! As we are in the middle of that process, my HELL, its a nightmare too. A tough decision to make. and a giant cluster just the same. Our home-study has been so invasive I think our social worker knows us better than our family. If you find good balance let me know how you did it. I could use some serious pointers.

    ♥ Celina

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  8. I'm so glad I finally got to read this blog... Maggie, I've gotten to know you because we are(were) in this same damn boat. I appreciate that you are able to air this - get it out there. I may scare some people who tell me they are pregnant and I blurt out how I'm trying and how it's been unexplainably hard to get there. The more I blurt, the more I find I'm not alone... Knowing that you made it to the next step gives me hope. I know that not everybody gets to that step, but hope is like Fertilizer - I will walk away from this with stronger roots and bigger flowers, maybe even some fruit!

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  9. I found you on Instagram by the ever-so-lovely #ivf hashtag and made a comment! Thanks for the reply back . . . something along the lines of "take it one day at a time". We start tomorrow so I will take your advice. You are definitely right about there being no blogs out there about infertility. I started our own blog out of frustration/need to vent. myrosyreverie.blogspot.com I love your blog and it's fun to see that you are in UT . . we lived there for some time and now are back in Vegas (my husband's hometown) Excited for you, your hubs, and baby boy!

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